Balance (or the lack thereof)

Tonight I bought a salad "kit" on my way home from work. I have actually never done this before (I am not a true food purist, but I do love my fresh salads), and think that it reflects my current state of being pretty well. I somehow have not been able to find the time to do the things that are important to me on a regular basis--like cooking healthy and tasty meals, talking to or spending time with family and friends, getting outside, being with my animals, getting some exercise, doing yoga, and being creative. It's a lot, but these important elements of my life mean so much to me that a day doesn't quite feel complete if I haven't done at least a few of them. I have not figured out how to balance my life with a 40+ hour a week job that, while I usually love it, drains me so often. My neglected-feeling dog doesn't get many hikes with the female human in his life anymore, I somehow break something every day, my clean laundry has been sitting in bins for days, I can't seem to get outside while it's still light out other than for short walks, and dinners have become a last minute ordeal. I come home from work feeling drained and irritable more often than I would like. I am literally amazed by all of the parents out there working full time and finding time for their children. Especially the ones that seem to have the balance figured out (how, I sincerely ask, do you do it!?).

On top of the lack of balance, I have been consumed by worry about my lovely little Lila...who you've seen in a couple previous posts. She's having serious kidney problems and spending a lot of time at the vet getting fluids. She's a sensitive little dog and I know this stress is extremely hard on her physically and emotionally. I am being as positive as I can, but it never gets easier to see your loved ones scared or in pain. I have been thinking of her almost constantly.

Now more than ever the rituals that feed my spirit are important to me--lately I have been reading a few chapters of my Thich Nhat Hanh books in the morning before I leave. His simply spoken wisdom always seems to resonate with what I am needing to hear at the moment. And every evening, yoga and meditation soften the edges and provide me with a much needed step back, a view of the bigger context.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't struggling. And as a result, I haven't been writing. I realized today how difficult it is for me to admit to the general public (that may be a stretch, but whoever it is that reads this blog!) that I am not glowingly happy at the moment. So here it is. My big step towards honesty.

But I will end on a positive note (because I think it's a good habit to be in). This weekend we were able to hike up Bass Creek on a strikingly beautiful day. The stream's boulders balanced snow that looked like dollops of fresh whipped cream; the sun reflected off of the sheer white mountains so that they appeared to be lit from the inside; and the shadowed path held the silhouette of black trees framed by a perfect azure sky. It revitalized my spirit and left me wanting for more.