Potential

After seven long weeks of trying to keep it quiet, I'm finally coming out with the news (that maybe isn't news to most of the people reading this)--Ryan and I are going to have a baby! It still kind of takes my breath away when I see it written. I haven't been blogging much because I've been extraordinarily busy, but also because pregnancy is about the only thing I think about, and I've been trying to keep it quiet until now. I'm due in the first week or so of August; summertime baby, like both myself and Ryan. Pregnancy has been the most transformative, difficult, and exciting experience I have ever had, and I'm only now just starting the second-third of the whole thing. I can't even imagine what is to come (but hopefully it's more of the exciting and transformative and less of the difficult!).

It hasn't been exactly pleasant up until this point--my body is like completely new territory. I am gradually growing and widening in all kinds of places, I'm sick every day (what did it feel like to not be nauseous?!), I have to rest halfway up a flight of stairs, and well, the amount of worrying I have been doing is more than a little absurd. That's just to name a few things...the list of maladies could go on much longer if I wanted to bore you. I also don't want to sound like I want pity, because I don't. Just venting, I suppose. But I will say, despite the discomfort, the sense of wonder that has come along with growing life inside of me is beyond describing. Yesterday, Ryan and I got the chance to see the baby in an ultrasound, and the most amazing part? He or she was kicking up a storm--the power behind those kicks reminded me of our dog laying on his side running wildly in a deep sleep. We were even able to hear the baby's heart beat, and the best way I can describe it is like the sound of horses galloping. It was incredible getting to hear and see our baby. So much happening in that little body; so much life! There is a living, growing, heart-beating, kicking, thumb-sucking being inside of me, and as one of my best friends in the world, Becca said to me when I told her I was pregnant, "you're like a bundle of potential!" I've never felt this to be more true in my life, and for good reason.

One thing that has been a fascinating exploration for me during pregnancy is yoga. I am doing yoga most days, but much, much less of it because I get so darn tired so fast. And that I need to be o.k. with, as long as I don't fall into a habit of not doing it "because I don't feel well." I've started doing prenatal yoga because it feels appropriate now, and to experience the way my body has changed in poses that are so familiar from yoga pre-pregnancy is nothing short of radical. It's like I have a new body with the same parts. No more big grandiose poses for me--at least not in the more superficial sense--just the basics with a great deal more attention to my body and the growing body inside of me. It's really pretty cool. As one teacher said in a YogaGlo prenatal class I took the other day, "It took me some time to realize that I can do a thousand chaturangas when I'm not pregnant." That struck me, as I had been starting to feel frustrated with the lack of handstands and deep backbends I have done since I've been pregnant. That statement made me remember: Yoga isn't handstands and deep backbends. The physical practice of yoga takes on an endless number of forms that are appropriate at different times in your life. More importantly, yoga is not just asana. Yoga is much deeper than asana, and has other branches that are all equally important, and sometimes stepping back a little from the asana practice can help yogis/yoginis like myself remember that truth. My yoga practice seems to always provide me with the growth and learning about myself and life that I need at the moment, as long as I am able to be truly open to what it is currently meant to teach me. As long as I am Open to Grace. Recently, yoga has been helping me to truly understand the wisdom of stepping back and seeing the bigger picture. And again, I am so grateful for this practice!

Pregnancy is a process of so much learning and evolving. Every day there is something about myself that I have never questioned before--parts of my life, my personality, my persona, that I previously just blindly accepted as me--that gets turned on its head. It's not just the potential for the creation of another being that is so beautiful about pregnancy, but the potential for living with more wisdom and more Light that is so very beautiful about pregnancy. Much more to come!

Onward!

I have kind of been avoiding writing, if you haven't noticed...not because things aren't good...actually, things are great. Mostly because our beloved dog, Lila, passed away on Christmas Eve and it's been too fresh until now to write about it. But with time, I am less sad and more grateful. I will keep it brief and say this: Lila was truly the most loving, devoted, and spirited little dog I have ever known. I will miss her deeply, but I will always feel her presence here with me. And I am eternally grateful for the amazing care that my mother gave to her in the end of her life. In a time when I wanted to spend every waking moment with her and my life would not let me, my mom did exactly that--she gave her constant love, provided her with all kinds of medical care that allowed her to stick around a bit longer, and even though it was emotionally and physically exhausting, my mom stuck with her until Lila was ready to go. The way she does with all of our animals. So thank you, Mom, from the bottom of my heart. And Lila, I will love you so very much, forever.

My journey now for this coming year is to move steadily onward. I have lots to look forward to this year and that will be my focus. We ended the year in East Glacier where, like here, there is a strikingly miniscule amount of snow. But where snow was lacking, family made up for it. In true Sherburne style, there were 18 of us in all...and we spent every dinner together (which means at least four hours of wining, dining and chatting), and a lot of our days together as well. It was relaxing, beautiful, and just lovely altogether. I've missed that place deeply--truly, in a way I've never missed a place--it made its way into my heart the first year I moved there and has not budged since then.

Eiger, Ebie, and Baxter, happy, happy, happy!

Some of the Sherburne clan on a nice walk towards Two Medicine.

Ryan's amazing grandma, Doris, 92 years old, and two of her sons--such a sweet photo:)

Skiing with the fam at Essex.

Since we returned home, it's truly been like spring here in Lolo and Missoula. The weather is weird, to say the least, but I think it's safe to say that despite the lack of snow, the sunshine has been pretty marvelous for everyone who lives in this valley that is usually dark, heavy, and icy by this time of year. Walks on the river have revealed all kinds of amazing bird life--winter feeding flocks including Pileated woodpeckers, red-naped sapsuckers, black-capped chickadees, red-breasted nuthatches, and pygmy nuthatches. One day Ryan, Eiger, and I had a bald eagle circling us for literally four or five minutes, as if it was considering one of us as prey (but I'd rather think it was just a good omen). The next day I had a red-tailed hawk circling above me and calling for a good two or three minutes. Spectacular. The paler winter golden finches have been gathering at our finch sock to feed, and flocks of black-capped chickadees have been stopping briefly at the bare tree in front of our deck. Unfortunately I have continuously forgotten my camera in these moments, but sometimes the mind is the best place to hold a beautiful sight, so I'm content with it (though I'll try to bring my camera next time so I can share these beautiful sights with you all!).

On another note, my New Year's Resolution this year is to explore my creativity with a fearless curiosity for expression. I happened upon this "30 Day Photography Challenge," which Ryan and I have turned into a kind of contest, and I'm having fun with it so far. Check it out! Onward! And Happy New Year to all of you.